Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born. Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor... Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.